Recognizing and Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns

Recognizing and Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns

Question from a reader:

If we meet our partners as a way to see ourselves through them and learn, how is it that you break up with someone because you don’t feel like being with them anymore?

Of course there are still things I haven’t learned so I am going to meet another person that is still going to teach me what the other person couldn’t. Should I keep trying to learn things from the first person? Why do they seem to always appear again? Does that mean something?

All relationships reflect back to us parts of ourselves. Sometimes ugly parts. Sometimes beautiful parts. Sometimes it brings out aspects of yourself you never knew existed. They’re all opportunities to know ourselves a little more, reflected through another.

Some relationships – karmic ones – are meant to give you very specific experiences that you’ve been working to heal through across lifetimes with that same soul. Others are just reflecting back to you patterns that were created in this lifetime.

You’ll always know a karmic relationship, because it’s not something you’re going to be able to shake easily. The allure will be irresistible. The chemistry palpable. It’ll be really, really good, or really, really bad. There’s no in between, you’re going to have strong emotions in one direction or the other – maybe even both.

Karmic Patterns

With karmic relationships, we often attract partners who feed our imbalances. For example, a person with a history of codependent care-taking will be drawn to partners who “need” them in some way. For men, it’s typically partners who require financial support or otherwise look to them as someone who can provide. For women, it’s often wounded men. The allure of the relationship is that, at least initially, it feels good to give. It validates a need within both partners – for the caretaker, the need to feel needed. For the one being taken care of, the filling of the void.

Eventually, the caretakers often give more than they receive in the relationship and end up feeling drained and resentful of their less capable partners. This pattern plays out over and over until one or both parties recognizes that their habits are not the result of love, but rather, a lack of self-love and seeking validation from an outside source.

Sometimes you break up because you learn all the lessons that relationship has to offer you – you recognize your karmic patterns and step into your true power. Sometimes you break up because one of you outgrows the lesson and one of you doesn’t, and needs to keep repeating it. Another person will come along to fill that role while you move on to something new and your partner remains trapped in a karmic feedback loop with the universe serving them the same shit sandwich they ate the day before, repeating the same mistakes over and over with a new person who holds the same fundamental energetic framework as the last person, but with a pretty new face and storyline.

Breaking The Repetition 

Becoming aware of your patterns is one thing – actively working to maintain that awareness in any given situation, understand what it’s showing you about yourself, and healing that is wholly another.

The biggest mistake I often see people make is thinking that simply because they became aware of the pattern that they won’t repeat it, or that they can somehow work through that pattern while maintaining a relationship with another person who is reflective of it.

The reality of the situation is that either both of you choose to grow, or you go your separate ways. There’s no in between, and the longer you cling to the attachment, the more suffering it creates. Eventually the universe bulldozes obstacles out of your life, one way or another.

Never stick around in a stagnant relationship. You’re going to know, in your heart, when it’s time to go. The tricky part is that sometimes “leaving” is a part of our pattern and we do it because we fear intimacy or commitment, or some other aspect of the relationship. Other times, clinging to it is part of our pattern. In either case, it’s going to keep happening again and again until you confront it and choose something different. Same story, different character.

The Universe is likes to give us little tests to see if we’re really committed to ourselves, our healing, and are ready to move forward. Will you slip back into old patterns? Or will you choose something different?

A Year Without Sex

A Year Without Sex

You don’t realize how much energy we, as human beings, put into sex – thinking about having it, thinking about how to get it, the actual pursuit of it, and then the glorious seven minutes of actually experiencing it – until you’re not chasing it anymore.

I stopped chasing it one year ago this week.

*Cue Record Scratch* Wait – But Why?

I didn’t consciously tell myself, “I’m not going to have sex for a year.” It was more so that after my divorce and subsequent reintroduction to human mating rituals after seven years of being in a long term relationship, I was confronted with the stark reality of what it was like to be back in the dating pool.

I was initially excited about the prospect of being able to date again, but when older, wiser, and with a much healthier perspective on myself and where I was in life. Then I realized that while I had grown tremendously, both emotionally and spiritually since the last time I dated, the vast majority of single people on planet earth were, unfortunately, mostly the same unconscious neanderthals they were when I was 26.

I wanted a real man. A conscious man. One that wasn’t afraid of depth, but more importantly, one that wasn’t afraid of me, my scars, my mess, or my insatiable desire to know and express myself as authentically as possible.

I realized I had no inclination to engage in sex without the kind of deep emotional intimacy that I knew was possible, and deep emotional intimacy is not something readily available on the market.

New York City is a lot of things, but a place where people take the time to connect with one another, it is not. It isn’t just that, though – I’m a high-functioning intellectual individual. Intellectually stimulating conversation is easy to come by here. Everybody thinks they’re a sapiosexual. But I also have an extremely high emotional intelligence, and that is not something many people on the planet have, much less a steely place like New York City. The type of emotional and spiritual depth I require to feel satisfied is a rarity to find anywhere.

I stopped having sex because I became disillusioned with the inevitable disappointment of being starved for the kind of connection I needed by men who were too afraid to be vulnerable.

I decided that the Universe would find a way to bring me into the path of the right person, and I didn’t have to deal with an onslaught of frivolous Bumble and Tinder chats to find them. I wanted to be truly seen. I wanted to be felt. I wanted the deepest parts of myself to be known – but how can I show that to someone if I don’t even know it, myself?

I stopped going to bars. I stopped spending hours on dating apps. I stopped settling for surface level bullshit. I stopped seeking something from outside myself to fill a void within me. I quit. And instead, I took all of the energy I would have normally spent in the pursuit of sex and some “other” to validate my self-worth and existence, and put it to use in the pursuit of finding myself, my own inner-worth, and understanding how that changed the dynamic of the types of people I attracted into my life. Through that process, I became crystal clear about what I wanted out of an intimate relationship, what I valued, and most importantly – who I was and what I was worth.

The result was that I consciously chose to never be with another man who didn’t truly see me. Who couldn’t meet me on my level. Who couldn’t show up with intimacy and vulnerability that set my soul on fire – the same kind that I am capable of offering.

I would rather live the rest of my life alone than let one more person touch my body without touching my soul.

Your body is your temple. You don’t let just anyone inside. I finally grew spiritually mature enough to fully revere it with the respect it deserves.

The thought of having a one-night stand, or even sleeping with someone that I’ve only been on a couple of dates with used to be an afterthought, but it is utterly repulsive to me now. I’ve realized that sex feels like meaningless, barely-enjoyable, animalistic copulation without the spiritual component of genuine love and spiritual connection.

Most people on this planet completely miss the full breadth and depth of what sex can be. They connect on a purely physical level. The quality of sex is measured by the number of orgasms had, how many positions you tried, and how many orifices were penetrated.

Sex is not merely an avenue for physical pleasure and procreation, but rather, a doorway to the divine. A way to commune with our highest selves and the greater creative force of the universe, and I do not mean that metaphorically. Sex is a legitimate spiritual practice.

Followers of various sects of Eastern religions have practiced sex as a meditation for thousands of years. Sexual energy is considered to be the essence of our life force and maintaining a prolonged state of heightened sexual arousal can induce a state of heightened psychic awareness, bliss, and oneness with the Universe. Sex literally becomes a shared spiritual experience.

In yogic traditions, the energy that is responsible for this is called kundalini, or shakti. Kundalini awakenings can happen spontaneously or during meditation and result in all of the things I mentioned earlier. Ask me how I know!

I’ve experienced kundalini awakenings during meditation a handful of times. It feels like the universe is making love to you from the inside out.

Imagine connecting with your partner physically, emotionally, mentally, energetically, spiritually, and psychically in a state of total surrender while simultaneously experiencing the psychedelic highs of an LSD trip, merging so deeply that they intuitively know your every emotion and desire without you ever speaking a word, and your goal is not to orgasm, but rather, prolong that state as long as is humanly possible.

I think about what it would be like to experience that and – well, once you’ve had unicorn sex, everything else is just… vanilla.

Collective Feminine Rage

Collective Feminine Rage

I had a fantastic conversation with one of my best friends a few weeks ago about the current political climate around sexual assault.

A larger collective theme that has been going on since this time last year when #MeToo first broke the silence is the core wounding of women and the feminine. Globally, for centuries, women have been violently raped, murdered, suppressed, controlled, burned as witches and enslaved as sex servants. We’ve never been truly safe. I’ve written about this on multiple occasions which you can find here and here.

I think a lot of women are beginning to feel the collective rage of hundreds of generations worth of suppressed trauma and fear bubbling up from beneath the surface, and that’s been building since this time last year.

Naturally, women are taught to suppress their anger because we are supposed to be pleasing, not assertive. It’s not helpful that many men have yet to accept responsibility for that core wounding.

What we, as women, have to recognize as this anger arises is that the men who have wounded us are also wounded. We are bathing in our trauma together. The only way the masculine will ever heal is to feel truly loved by the feminine. And the only way the feminine can collectively do that is to forgive.

In order to forgive, however, the pain must be acknowledged. And that is all every woman on this planet has been waiting for, asking for, and is now demanding. That’s right, and it’s fair. But we have our own healing to do as well.

We also have to accept our own role in perpetuating toxic masculinity through the way we raise the boys we birth. Here’s a link to a great article by Bethany Webster on how the mother wound is the missing link in understanding misogyny, and it’s worth the read.

The Success Trap

The Success Trap

Twice over the last two weeks, the topic of job satisfaction has come up with friends. In both instances, said friends were feeling unhappy with their jobs. Unchallenged, as it were; unsuccessful, as though they should be doing more.

In both cases, I reminded them that having a job like that frees up a lot of time and energy for things that are, ultimately, more important – like healing, self-improvement, and service.

I realized a while ago that material success is an ego trap. A shiny distraction from what really matters.

I fell into that trap early in my life. I felt like I needed to make something of myself, career-wise, in order to matter. To be seen as successful by others. To prove to myself that I’d made something of myself (by placing that designation in the hands of what other people thought of me and my life choices). I set out to become successful at everything I did. And boy, did I do things.

I sat as Vice President of the Board for a nonprofit and helped scale it from a small organization taking in $75k a year in donations to half a million.

I started three businesses – one doing branding, graphic and web design; another one doing all of that, as well as messaging, SEO, UX/UI design, lead generation, content creation, scaling operations, pitching and funding, revenue models, and whatever the fuck else a client wanted to throw at me. I grew that second business 400% from year one to year two. (The third was simply adding readings to this little blog here.)

I gave keynote presentations on digital storytelling. Workshops on social media. Sat as a panelist on digital marketing. I gave seminars on digital fundraising for nonprofits. I did photo shoots with professional athletes and wrote and directed PSA commercials.

I ran a fashion tech startup and launched a national brand ambassador program. I coached young entrepreneurs on how to communicate their vision and make their business goals a reality.

I was…am…a very accomplished human by earth standards. I came. I saw. I did (really cool) shit. And at the age of 33, I realized that none of it mattered.

When I moved here, I knew I didn’t care what kind of job I had. I have a journalism degree from the top school in the country and had spent four years running my own consulting business and I was fully prepared to wait tables because I just didn’t care anymore about anything except finding myself and being of service to others.

I didn’t want to help people make more money or plan their next exit strategy. I wanted to help people feel comfortable in their own skin. I wasn’t going to make the world a better place by [insert stupid tech company mission here], because you can’t change something from the outside in. The way for me to make the greatest impact was by helping people heal from the inside out – and there’s no dollar signs attached to that because it’s invaluable.

Astrological Shit Storm On Approach

Astrological Shit Storm On Approach

Friday, July 27th, is a full moon in Aquarius that also happens to be a total lunar eclipse. This phenomena is known as a “blood moon.”

Astrologically speaking, lunar eclipses happen all the time. Just about every year, (1.5, on average with only slightly more partial eclipses than total eclipses). A total lunar eclipse as this one is (verses a penumbral or partial) occurs when the earth, moon and sun align, with the earth in between, casting a shadow across the face of an otherwise full moon, sometimes creating a reddish coloring.

This particular full blood moon is occurring one day into mercury retrograde with four other planets on reverse route, making for some particularly intense astro energy.

What Astrology Says

The astrological significance of such and alignment is that it gives us a glimpse into our “shadow self” as Jung termed it. During this time period, we are often called to look at the ugliest parts of ourselves and find understanding within them, along with acceptance and balance. It’s also a time to bring to the forefront of our consciousness a lot of beliefs that no longer serve us, and emotional wounds that need healing. Particularly with Mercury and so many other planets in retrograde, we’re going to be digging through our past and working through shit that we’ve been ignoring for a good long while.

A supermoon occurs when the moon’s orbit happens to be at it’s closest proximity to earth. The energy of a supermoon is often amplified, in the astrological sense, so given that the energy we have is that of a lunar eclipse, expect all of the themes included to be super intense. A full moon eclipse represents closure, culmination, and taking things to another level, and this one happens to be the closer in our most recent eclipse window, giving it some extra oomph.

What Tarot Symbolism Says

Not coincidentally, The Moon card in the Tarot carries very similar themes.

blood-moon-apocalypse

The Moon can often refer to psychological projection of fear and the shadow-self onto those around us. It deals with repressed emotions which result in blockages that create fear and anxiety. The Moon suggests a time of becoming aware of and purging these self-limiting emotions and beliefs which have remained hidden within your psyche for so long.

What Numerology Says

Now let’s look at the numerology present here.

The eclipse takes place on 7.27.2018 (depending on where you are in the world…).

7+2+7+2+0+1+8=27. 2+7= 9

The Moon card pictured above has the roman numerals 18 at the top.

1+8 = 9

Clearly the number 9 is a recurrent theme numerologically as well. And guess what 9 symbolizes?

Culmination, finality, and the completion of an era.. And in addition to that, it’s also a worldly number – hence the global scale. The 9 as the end of a cycle is a transformation period, preparing to start over again in the 1 cycle (as the next number up is 10, and 1+0=1, you’re back at the beginning again). Often times the 1 energy and the 9 energy have some overlap.

As you can see, each of the symbols we’ve discussed here all share common characteristics and themes.

Typically you’ll start to feel this energy ramping up as we approach the full moon, and it will peak on the day of. You may still feel it winding down a couple of days afterward.

Here’s your training wheels: 

Whatever comes up for you during this time period is doing so to be processed and released. Don’t fight it. It’s trying to help you find clarity and closure.

Allow yourself to feel your feels, but try to do so without attaching a narrative to it. In other words, separate your thoughts from your emotions. Don’t try to analyze what you’re feeling, just let it float in and out. If you can observe your emotions from a place of neutrality without attaching self-destructive thought patterns to it, you’ll be able to allow the flow of processing occur more smoothly.

Make time and space for yourself to process your emotions. Cozy up in bed, turn on some music that matches your mood and let it all out. You’ll feel better when it’s all said and done.

Breaking Down Psychic Abilities

Breaking Down Psychic Abilities

A friend texted me one morning not too long ago to ask, “What’s the difference between psychic, intuition and clairvoyant? Aren’t all the clairs forms of psychic abilities?”

I experience confusion about what constitutes various psychic abilities among the laypeople on a pretty regular basis, so I’m going to break it down for you here, thoroughly:

A psychic is a person who consciously utilizes their intuition. Psychic abilities are intuitive abilities. Some people argue that there’s a difference. I don’t think there is – it just exists on a spectrum. A lot of people will label the lower, less conscious end of the spectrum as intuitive and the higher, more conscious end as psychic. Additionally, some people prefer to label themselves as intuitives because there’s less of a stigma associated with it than there is to the word “psychic.”

Psychic Abilities: Types of Clairs

CLAIRVOYANCE is but one modality of psychic abilities – clear seeing. This can manifest as “visions” (for lack of a less loaded term) which you may see either in your mind or with your physical vision, the latter of which tends to be more rare.

You can think of different psychic modalities like different languages, and clairvoyance is most often the most symbolic of them, depending on the situation. It can look like watching a scene play out in front of you or it can look like symbols, numbers, words, etc. Dreaming, in a way, is a form of clairvoyance.

CLAIRAUDIENCE is clear hearing. This is almost never like having a phone conversation with someone, at least not in my personal experience. It’s more like hearing words and phrases, and the occasional full on sentence in your head, and sometimes physically.

CLAIRCOGNIZANCE is clear knowing (intuitive downloads – you just “know” things or have ideas, thoughts, or abstract concepts that pop into your head), and CLAIRSENTIENCE is clear feeling – i.e. physically feeling energy as well as emotions (a.k.a. empath). This can also include phantom tastes and smells, and the feeling of phantom physical sensations such as touch, or it may involve taking on the physical symptoms of another person such as headaches, nausea, body aches and pains, lethargy, etc.

***It’s important to note that this is not the ONLY reason why an individual may experience phantom sensations, simply one possible reason.

For me, claircognizance and clairsentience are very connected because the concepts that you just “know” often have a subtle energetic signature associated with them that I can feel and I have to feel into what’s being downloaded in order to put it into words.

Much in the way that I said clairaudience isn’t like picking up the phone and talking to someone, having a “conversation” in my head with spirit is not exactly like sitting in a room and talking to another person. It’s more like hearing words accompanied by some type of visual and/or feeling (and that feeling could be the knowing type or the emotional type).

The whole process is akin to picking up subtle, abstract sensory input and piecing it together in a way that makes sense, logically, without totally overthinking it. Or, to use the language analogy I mentioned earlier – it’s like looking at wingdings while hearing someone speaking a few Spanish words that you know, but understanding the whole thing in English and then having your body respond like, “That’s correct.” That feeling may be felt suddenly – like the sensation you have when you recognize something, or perhaps the feeling associated with clarity or an epiphany – or it may feel more like a deep knowing such as the sensation associated with certainty.

Most people tend to have one or two predominant clairs. I seem to experience them all equally these days.


Now, let us demystify all the ways that people can USE these modalities of psychic abilities.

I already stated one of them, which was the…

EMPATH – a person who feels subtle energies and many times, the emotions of others. Empaths tend to be straight clairsentient, sometimes with a dash of HSP (Highly Sensitive Person).

MEDIUM – A person who can sense spirits. A medium may use any of the aforementioned clairs in any combination. They are referred to as a ‘medium’ because they are an intermediary between a noncorporeal entity and a corporeal entity. As an aside, a noncorporeal entity doesn’t necessarily have to equate to the spirit of someone who has died. You can also communicate with the higher self of incarnate people, plants, animals, and a whole slew of interdimensional beings that would probably stretch your mind a bit too much for today’s purposes.

PRECOGNITION – When one uses these abilities to sense an energetic trajectory and predict where it may or may not lead. I could probably write an entire post on the nuances involved in precognition, but I’ll save it for another day.

REMOTE VIEWING – (Typically) purely clairvoyant in nature, although a person practicing remote viewing may use other psychic senses to inform what they are seeing.

PSYCHOMETRY – The practice of feeling the energy that has been left on or programmed into physical objects. This practice may utilize all clairs.

CHANNELING – The practice of opening yourself up to allow one of those aforementioned noncorporeal beings to communicate THROUGH you rather than just TO you. This is different in that there’s less of a logical processing of information which means less of your ego (personal ideologies and beliefs) gets rubbed all over it. Typically manifests as more claircognizance than anything else.

AUTOMATIC WRITING – Automatic writing can be a form of channeling that comes out in written format rather than spoken format. For me, personally, I tend to be able to sort of tap into a certain energy while writing where things just flow without me putting much thought into it. This is once again more claircognizance than anything else.

TELEPATHY – Most people are pretty familiar with what telepathy is: the mind-to-mind communication between two people. Telepathy can manifest through clairaudience (which is how most people imagine it to be like) but also through clairvoyance and claircognizance.

This is really just scratching the surface. It only gets weirder from here.


Lastly, I will leave you with this:

Everyone…EVERYONE…possesses these subtle senses we call psychic abilities. You are born with them, just as you are born with the ability to taste, touch, feel, smell and hear.

Therefore, psychic development is not the development of these abilities. It is the cultivation of your AWARENESS of these senses.

Because of their subtle nature, we often ignore them much like we ignore emotions and unpleasant thoughts associated with our shadow selves.

This is why many people experience heightened intuition and increased psychic experiences as they go through the process of healing and integration – they are cultivating self-awareness.

Hope you found this informative.

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