try not to write critiques anymore, and the reason is because instead of raging about what someone else is doing, I could be doing something constructive that helps myself, or writing something constructive that helps someone else. Promote what you love, don’t bash what you hate, and all that jazz.
However, I also recognize that on occasion, a righteous criticism is necessary to cut through the bullshit. That criticism is even more righteous when it’s meant to cut through chatter in my own industry and/or area of expertise, and especially when I’m ready to call bullshit for the sake of all the other people out there who may need to hear this perspective. In that regard, being critical is helpful.
I’ve done this previously with people who think you can only think positive thoughts and spiritual bypassing and I’m about to do it again on a whole new topic which actually kind of relates back to spiritual bypassing in a roundabout way.
A term coined by psychologist Robert Masters to describe the practice of empty spirituality devoid of real personal development. In spiritual bypassing, a person “acts” spiritual without actually doing the internal work to develop real spiritual understanding, often resulting in stunted spiritual growth, repressed emotions, inflated ideas about their own level of enlightenment, and a plethora of other detrimental activities and ideas.
Learn more about spiritual bypassing.
Since this spring, I’ve really gotten into Instagram. There’s a lot of really helpful content there for mental health, body image, etc. that I’ve found exceptionally helpful in my own personal development. But that also means wading through a sea of bullshit to find buried treasure.
I have observed a lot of conversation happening among influencers about body positivity, feminism, and owning your sexuality. I’ve observed that on Instagram, people seem to be able to create entire platforms off of these “positive” concepts, and yet the content they’re putting forth seems to still be rooted in the very thing that they claim to stand against–and they don’t even realize it. The end result being that they actually end up perpetuating the very norms and stereotypes they purport to oppose.
On Body Positivity…
I don’t know about you, but there for a while, I literally couldn’t scroll through an Instagram search feed without seeing butt cheeks, twerking, side boob, workout mirror selfies, and women in their underwear. I honestly don’t have a problem with nude photos. I think the human body is beautiful. I think the female body is especially beautiful. I think photography is art, and these kinds of images can evoke emotion and important conversation when used in a skillful manner.
That said, posting 1,038 professional photos of yourself in revealing outfits does not in and of itself scream, “I’m love my body.” I’m about to elaborate for you, in great detail, exactly why this is the case, especially if your purpose in posting photos of your body is to make other people feel better about themselves.
Let’s be honest. Most of us–dare I even say ALL OF US–women have struggled with our body image. Some of the most beautiful women I know have what would be deemed by society’s standards as “amazing bodies” and the way they talk about themselves is heartbreaking. My best friend from college is 5’10” and athletic as fuck, and she talks about how “gross’ she is all the time. Another friend just weighed herself for the first time in years and realized she’d lost 40 pounds. She texted me a picture of herself at the pool a couple of days later and asked me if she looked fat.
I know many men who deal with these same issues. Obviously, a lot of it comes from a deeper rooted issue of self worth–the physical body is simply an easy target–but that self-worth is also informed by subconscious societal standards of what is and isn’t beautiful, and those standards of beauty are deeply rooted in patriarchal conditioning.
Because of all of this, some of us have taken that self-loathing to whole other level and engaged in destructive eating and exercise habits in a failed attempt to try to feel worthy. I was one of those people.
Frankly, it’s a miracle that I didn’t develop a full blown eating disorder in my early 20s and I’m thankful that I didn’t, but that didn’t stop me from obsessively monitoring my 600 calorie-per-day diet while working out five days a week or abusing prescription diet pills.
Representation vs. Dysmorphia in Body Positivity
I understand the importance of representing all types of bodies in the media. Everyone should be able to see someone like themselves represented. But I also recognize that body dysmorphia doesn’t fucking care about that.
Dysmorphia is when your perception of your physical body is skewed in a negative way, and you hyperfixate on one or more physical flaws, either real, or imagined. It exists on a spectrum and most people have dealt with it to some degree at some point, if not on a regular basis.
We like to think that the reason women hate their bodies is because marketing and advertising has bombarded us with images of photoshopped stick figures. It be wonderful and so easy to fix if it were that simple.
The real reason we have these issues to begin with is a bit more complex, and it’s because our culture has placed an inordinate amount of emphasis on our bodies as being synonymous with our beauty, our self esteem, and our inherent value as a human being. As I mentioned earlier, it has its roots in patriarchy and the way women have been taught to perceive themselves, and that message has been beaten into us from the day we were born.
Let me restate that for emphasis in case it got lost in translation: It’s not exclusively the images we are being bombarded with on a daily basis that’s the problem, it’s the psychological connection that’s been forged between the physical body and our self-worth.
Unless you have a body type that is vastly different from the average human, it doesn’t matter how many pictures you post of your half naked thicker-than-the-average-runway-model body captioned with, “You don’t need to count calories #ilovemyself #ImBeautiful #BodyPositive,” because you still fit a societal beauty standard and you’re still placing an emphasis on physical appearance as a source of your self-esteem.
Let’s take me, for example. Someone like me by all accounts has a body type that society generally recognizes as “beautiful,” but I still struggle with dysmorphia and hold the belief that my body is far from perfect. Regardless of how shitty I may feel about my body, other women who have bodies that aren’t considered beautiful are still going to look at me and recognize that I fit that beauty standard, and feel shitty about themselves. And if I’m one of those Instagram models with a societally acceptable body type posting about how imperfect my body is, but I love it anyway, then they’re going to feel doubly shitty because “obviously” I’ve conquered my body issues so why they fuck can’t they?
In these women’s attempts to love themselves, they’ve co-opted a movement that isn’t necessarily for them and the end result is that they end up reinforcing the damaging stereotypes they believe they are tearing down.
You cannot tell someone with body issues, particularly someone who’s body doesn’t fit the normal beauty standard,”Don’t obsess over your body” or “Don’t compare yourself to other people’s bodies” while simultaneously shoving photos of your societally acceptable body in their face. It just doesn’t work.
“What’s that, you say? You have body issues? You don’t need to compare yourself to other women! Now, behold this posed, professionally shot photo of me in my underwear. Not only that: that’s all I’m going to post. EVER. Follow me for more body positive deliciousness!”
It’s fairly absurd when you think of it that way, yes?
“I’m posting a no-makeup selfie today to let you know that you don’t need to wear makeup to feel beautiful. Nevermind the fact that I’m 22, perfectly tan, have no wrinkles or blemishes and most likely spend a ridiculous amount of money on skincare. I just wanted you to know that it’s ok for you not to wear makeup, too.”
You’d might as well be Adriana Lima walking around with no makeup on saying, “Look, you can be like me!” No, I can’t, because even without makeup, you’re still a god damn supermodel.
Faulty logic aside, there’s a bigger problem with the story here. The well-meaning message of “don’t compare yourself to others,” is actually a subliminal form of emotional invalidation.
Let’s say I’ve been comparing my body to other people’s bodies for years. It’s an ingrained part of my behavior. I’ve got 99 neural pathways that all lead to feeling like shit. Feeling like shit is basically like a drug for me at this point.
Then you come along and you say, “Don’t do the thing that you’ve been doing your entire life. It’s super easy. Look at me. I did it.” Then I try to not do the thing, and I fail. And I fail again. And I fail again. Then I start to feel like shit for feeling like shit because you’re telling me I shouldn’t feel like shit, and that starts a whole new shame cycle.
It’s basically telling people not to feel what they feel (emotional repression and invalidation) while simultaneously failing to give them the actual tools to work through and release the negative feelings and the beliefs that underly them on a psychological, emotional, and energetic level…most likely because the influencer in question hasn’t actually worked through their own issues, either, and their entire Instagram account is just pictures and posts of them trying to convince themselves to believe the things they’re telling everyone else to believe and their own self-image is just as distorted as everyone else’s.
Uh oh. The secret’s out.
Now, since I’m the type of person who says “Don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions,” I’m going to provide solutions.
If you want to be a body positivity role model and you want to do it in a less destructive way that people can actually connect with and heal with, here’s what you do:
Step 1: Stop posting professional photos of yourself 24/7. Not staged. Not posed. You think posting photos to the public dressed in sexy lingerie or sprawled out on a beach in a bikini is being vulnerable, except it’s not. Especially not when it’s retouched or posed with professional lighting, etc.
Post real pictures of yourself. That’s the whole point, right? To show what real women look like?
“But professional grade photography, that’s how we’re supposed to build our brand!”
If body positivity is your brand, then you’re telling the wrong story.
Branding is partly what got us here in the first place. You really want to change the game? Then stop playing it and get real. What a radical thought.
Step 2: Show some real vulnerability. Don’t act like you’ve mastered shit that you haven’t. Be raw with your struggle. Own your story and stop sugarcoating it. Let people know that you’re in this, too. Of course, that first requires getting really fucking honest with yourself and that’s not something most people are willing to do. You’re definitely not being honest with yourself if you can barely bring yourself to post an authentic photo of your body.
The story is not “Look at what I’ve done! You can be just like me, let me show you how.” That’s your fucking ego talking. The story is “I am just. Like. You. We can do this together.”
Step 3: Don’t do it once it a blue moon. Do it all the fucking time. Walk the fucking walk. I’m so tired of influencers talking about how “authentic” they are when they clearly don’t even have the faintest inkling of what that really means.
Step 4: And here’s the most important solution. Show people that their worth is more than their body. Show them. Don’t just tell them. That might mean that you focus on other shit that isn’t your body, like who you are on the inside.
By most societal standards and outside opinions, I’m beautiful. People tell me that all the time and they have my entire life. But I do not always feel beautiful, and I’m not going to pretend that I do.
What does authenticity look like?
It looks like this:
I remember the first time I recognized that I didn’t feel beautiful. I was in second grade. At eight years old, I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why other people thought I was pretty, because I didn’t. In my greatest moments of self loathing, I contemplated plastic surgery, and the dialogue in my mind always came down to, “Do I hate myself enough to carve up my own body?” The answer was no.
As much as I may have hated my body over the years, I have always been exceptionally aware of the fact that there are other people out there who would kill to look like me.
I once asked someone I loved if he liked my body. He said yes. I was curious to know how another person perceived my physical appearance and whether or not he’d find certain things I actually disliked to be attractive, so I asked, “Why? What do you like about it?” He said, “Because it’s yours.”
I’d never felt so seen or so loved as I did in that moment, to know that someone saw me as more than a body and valued me as more than an object.
That’s what we need to be pushing. That’s what creates self-acceptance. Not 30,000 photos of someone talking about how they’ve (allegedly) accepted their comparatively mild case of cellulite.
Sometimes, I do feel beautiful. Those days are becoming more frequent. I try to celebrate them, but I’m also going to be really honest about the fact that I didn’t always, and a lot of days I still don’t.
You know how many professional photos I’ve posted on my Instagram account? Exactly one, because I’m not trying to convince myself or anyone else that I’m pretty. The more I fall in love with the person inside me, the easier I am on the person in the mirror.
On Being “Sex Positive”…
***TRIGGER WARNING: Discussions in this section involve the subject of rape and sexual abuse.****
The sex positive movement is a great thing. It’s helping our culture move out of this puritanical mindset that we have toward something that we all pretty much do and that a lot of people are really uncomfortable with. I once interacted with an adult male who could not even use the words penis or vagina because he carried so much fear and shame around sex. He called them a “p” and a “v.” We should all be comfortable enough to talk about sex openly in a serious manner in order to be able to have healthier attitudes toward it.
Learn more about spiritual perspectives toward sex.
That being said, I don’t have as many obvious cultural hangups as a lot of people do, generally speaking, with the concept of sex or expressing sexuality. I’m pretty unattached to it, in that I’m not necessarily obsessed with sex but am also not averse to it in any way. I know a lot of people who carry around a lot of shame in regard to sex but I don’t believe I’m one of those people (maybe some more mild, subtle forms, but as a rape survivor, I’ve done a lot of work to become aware of that).
While I was raised in a conservative Christian environment, I never really latched onto the “sex is a dirty, awful thing” mentality, maybe because my parents avoided the subject at all costs and left me to my own devices to learn about it from friends at school.
The only other potential influence was church and the one thing I remember being told there was that you should wait until you’re married. I didn’t personally put a lot of emphasis on that, myself. The thing that was important to me was that I wanted to be in love. I wanted to feel deeply connected to the person I was was with. I later discovered the concept of demisexuality, and I would say that it accurately describes me.
Unfortunately, initiating and maintaining a relationship with someone I actually loved proved to be difficult, due to having spent the majority of my life as an out-of-touch, emotionally stunted ice queen, which only served to reinforce my self-worth issues. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24.
This may seem uncomfortably personal, but oddly, it’s one area that I’ve never had any hangups about being completely transparent about, even as a teenager when all of my friends gave me hell about it since they’d all lost their virginity when they were 14. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop people from making things up and spreading rumors about me. I’m sure I wasn’t the world’s first virgin slut and I’m sure I won’t be the last.
When I finally did lose my virginity, it was basically just to get it over with. I was tired of feeling like a freak. By that time, my self-worth had pretty much bottomed out. Even though I had only had four sexual partners until I got married, they were mostly one-night-stands or guys that I only dated for three or four weeks. Some of them were people that I’d completely lowered my standards for and my boundaries were so nonexistent that I allowed myself to be pressured into things that I wouldn’t have agreed to in a healthier frame of mind (as an aside, men should be learning how to respect boundaries so that women aren’t put in that position in the first place).
I vividly remember crying in the bathroom of my apartment after having sex with a guy I was kind of seeing that I didn’t even really like that much or want to even have sex with. He put a lot of pressure on me even though we’d only been dating for a short period of time. I finally gave in and waited for it to be over with. I cried because it was the fourth time I’d had sex and I still hated every minute of it. I thought I was never going to be able to enjoy it.
That’s what coerced rape looks like, and that’s one kind of emotional response that women have that kind of trauma.
As it would turn out, it was just him that disgusted me, not sex, though I never did find much fulfillment in a casual shag.
And so, to this day, I highly prioritize deep emotional connection over purely physical or surface level connection. Hence why I have a quality over quantity mentality, but I do believe that you can have short-lived, mutually respectful and even meaningful trysts that are experienced in a healthy way if that’s what you’re into.
Healthy Sex vs. Unhealthy Sex
That being said, like anything else, and maybe even more so than anything else, sexual energy can be twisted, compressed, and warped from something that’s beautiful, natural, and meaningful into something that keeps us chained to our lower consciousness. God damn, people love to fuck up a good thing.
I’m not talking about people with a healthy sense of sexual exploration, at least not directly. What kind of fetishes you enjoy in your bedroom among consenting adults is your business. I do, however, think it is incredibly important to have an awareness of why those things have manifested the way that they have, especially if you feel an underlying sense of shame around it. And that’s what I’m talking about in this post.
Being a polyamorous empath and interacting with more people in the poly community in New York, I am quickly realizing how many fall into the latter category. There’s so much toxic shame and self-loathing (manifesting as sexual confusion and dysfunction) masquerading as sex positivity, it’s utterly unreal.
Similarly to what I discussed about the body positive movement and how some people’s behavior is actually an overcompensation for their underlying sense of insecurity about their bodies (which is effectively a form of repression because they’re trying to force themselves to be positive when they actually don’t feel positive about their bodies at all), this same dynamic plays out in the realm of sex positivity.
If you’re engaging in behavior that makes you feel shameful, you have to explore the internal source of that shame. You cannot heal shame by ignoring it and jumping on a bandwagon that embraces the overlying behavior without any form of introspection about where that behavior is coming from.
For example, I’ve met several people–both men and women–with BDSM fetishes (I swear, it’s half of New York City). Many of them were sexually abused as children, but none of them seemed able to make the connection that perhaps their fetish (which in these cases were tantamount to a sex addiction) was connected to their underlying sexual trauma, and as such, their way of coping with that trauma was to attempt to justify the fetish (and the addiction) under the umbrella of sex positivity.
Of course, you can’t totally explore sexual trauma until you remove the stigma of sex being dirty, so in some ways this is a part of a process, however, it can be harmful to tout these kinds of things as sex positivity (without appropriate nuance) because it can reinforce unhealthy behavior.
Many of the women I’ve spoken to who consider themselves BDSM submissives are actually suffering from severely low self-worth and misunderstood ideas about what feminism is. They’re falling into submission scenarios that act out a form of sexualized male approval-seeking, but they’re not fully aware of how that is a result of unhealthy societal conditioning.
Healthy Sexual Empowerment vs. Unhealthy Sexual Empowerment
It’s one thing to embrace femininity and own your sexuality. That comes from a place of power and confidence. You own that. It lives within you. It initiates desire in others, it does not require it from them. It is self-sustaining.
It’s wholly another to hypersexualize yourself because you’ve mistaken your self-worth to be equivalent with how desired you are by others. That’s a gaping black hole inside your soul that sucks in any and all attention around it that it can possibly pull into its gravitational field. That comes from a place of emotional insecurity.
Unfortunately, I see a lot of the latter dressing itself up as sex positivity on Instagram, and even female empowerment. And yet it’s the very antithesis of female empowerment, because it leaves your value completely beholden to how fuckable men on the internet think you are. Once again, this aspect of alleged feminism is actually reinforcing the stereotypes it’s purporting to tear down.
You know how to tell the difference between the two?
A truly empowered woman has no need to call attention to her sexuality. Her essence commands it, regardless of how much or how little clothing she is wearing. She has presence. She glows. She doesn’t need to be, or try to be overtly sexual. She just is, by her very nature.
Her allure isn’t derived simply from primitive lust. Her sensuality resonates from within the depths of her soul, and it’s synonymous with kindness, grace and vulnerability. She’s a god damn goddess and she knows it.
Sex is a power play, in many cases. When you base your self-worth on being desired, you put your personal power in the hands of other people, and they can take it away at any moment. Your sexuality becomes a manipulative game of cat and mouse. An empowered woman knows her worth and she knows that it lies within her at all times, she doesn’t need to seek it from anyone else.
Once again, I come bearing solutions, or at least a question to ponder:
What’s your motivation? Your REAL motivation?
Like I said earlier, to be able to truly answer that requires getting really fucking honest with yourself and that’s not something most people are willing to do.
Body and sex positivity are not specifically my platform–authenticity as a path to healing and self-love is. But body positivity and sex positivity are aspects of authenticity that do have to be examined and integrated before you can truly be free to be yourself. No matter how hard you try, you’re never be able to force yourself to feel positive about pieces of yourself that you’ve been hiding for years. There’s a process of self-examination, acceptance, and release involved that requires rigorous self-honesty. And this is where this post ties back into the concept of spiritual bypassing.
My goal with this piece is not to shame people or even judge them. We’re all on a healing path and sometimes we go down a few dead ends. What this was meant to do was pull back the curtain on the shiny exterior of Instagram branding and take a look at the dysfunction that lies underneath so that you don’t have to go down that road, too. But hey, we’re all a little dysfunctional underneath, everyone is on their own journey.
All I’m trying to say is, I would love it if people–especially those who are attempting to portray themselves as role models for other people or poster children for a positivity movement–were a little more honest with themselves and their audience about where they actually are in this process. But as is so often the case in the land of Instafame, what you see isn’t always what’s real.