Collective Feminine Rage

Collective Feminine Rage

I had a fantastic conversation with one of my best friends a few weeks ago about the current political climate around sexual assault.

A larger collective theme that has been going on since this time last year when #MeToo first broke the silence is the core wounding of women and the feminine. Globally, for centuries, women have been violently raped, murdered, suppressed, controlled, burned as witches and enslaved as sex servants. We’ve never been truly safe. I’ve written about this on multiple occasions which you can find here and here.

I think a lot of women are beginning to feel the collective rage of hundreds of generations worth of suppressed trauma and fear bubbling up from beneath the surface, and that’s been building since this time last year.

Naturally, women are taught to suppress their anger because we are supposed to be pleasing, not assertive. It’s not helpful that many men have yet to accept responsibility for that core wounding.

What we, as women, have to recognize as this anger arises is that the men who have wounded us are also wounded. We are bathing in our trauma together. The only way the masculine will ever heal is to feel truly loved by the feminine. And the only way the feminine can collectively do that is to forgive.

In order to forgive, however, the pain must be acknowledged. And that is all every woman on this planet has been waiting for, asking for, and is now demanding. That’s right, and it’s fair. But we have our own healing to do as well.

We also have to accept our own role in perpetuating toxic masculinity through the way we raise the boys we birth. Here’s a link to a great article by Bethany Webster on how the mother wound is the missing link in understanding misogyny, and it’s worth the read.

Grief, Interrupted

Grief, Interrupted

I‘ve mentioned a few times over the course of the last six months that all of the stress I went through did quite the number on my body and my health. The first sign of what was to come manifested itself in January of 2016 as a light, annoying cough that wouldn’t go away. About a month later, it was compounded by the respiratory flu. By March, I had coughed so hard and so frequently that I bruised a rib. It finally subsided in April.

In November of the same year, I caught a cold (in addition to the stomach flu), which then settled into yet another cough that didn’t dissipate until June of the following year.

Both times, I went to the doctor. They pumped me full of anti-biotics and steroids, and nothing changed. Eventually they diagnosed me with “asthma” because they needed to call it something in order to give me an inhaler, which also did nothing.

This year, as of April, said cough has returned. I’ve been kind to myself over the past six months. I’m under very little stress now, I’ve recovered from my adrenal fatigue, and I’m actively purging stagnant emotional energies.

Traditional energy healing ties coughing to the throat chakra, but I’ve felt this is more of a lung/heart-chakra issue, and yet no matter how many things I’ve purged from my heart center, it persists.

I finally decided to try acupuncture. I met an acupuncturist who lives in my neighborhood when I first moved here, so I pulled up her website to book an appointment, and at that moment, a coworker walked into my office and enquired about my cough. When I explained the circumstances, he immediately said, “Acupuncture. Everybody says it works.” There was my sign.

I had my appointment this past week, and while explaining to her the situational stress I was involved in over the course of the last three years as this cough has arisen, she mentioned to me that in Chinese medicine, the emotion tied to the lungs is grief. If you’ll recall my last post, I processed a past-life soul fragment that was heavy with grief. So heavy that I had to skip work the next day!

As I’ve reflected on my consultation and how grief and loss ties in as a trigger for the coughing, I had a realization.

I’ve talked a bit about my dad in previous posts and most of you know that we’re no longer on speaking terms, and I’ve talked a bit about the circumstances leading up to that, but I haven’t done so in great detail.

2016 was the year that everything fell apart. It had to, of course, because it was leading me somewhere, but it wasn’t pleasant. It was not easy. There was a moment in 2016 when I thought, “I would feel so much better if I could just die.” I experienced a prolific level of grief and loss that year in a very short period of time. I lost my closest friend. Two weeks later, my cat Jordan – my shadow, my fur baby – passed away. And then a month and a half after that, my grandmother passed away. The first loss brought me to my knees. The second had me on the ground. The third was like being beaten bloody with a baseball bat while I was down. With each new gut wrenching loss, I thought, “How much more can I take?”

And then came my grandmother’s funeral.

I have to be honest…my family could probably carry an entire season of Jerry Springer. After my parents divorced, my dad married my mom’s first cousin. Suffice to say, this caused some friction in the family, which came to a head at the funeral.

The grandmother that passed away was my dad’s mother. My grandparents from my mom’s side of the family attended the funeral and so did my mother. They’d known each other for 30 years, after all. My dad and his new wife (my mom’s first cousin whom I refer to as my step-monster) also attended said funeral. This would be my maternal grandmother’s niece. As entertaining as it would be to go into great detail, for brevity’s sake, let’s just say that crazy typically attracts crazy, so you can safely assume that as batshit and manipulative as my father is, it is also evident in his choice of partners.

After the funeral, everyone was invited to a luncheon at my grandparents’ former church, at which point, my new step-monster attacked her aunt (my grandmother) right in front of me — and our ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY. I literally had to step between her and my grandmother.

I was furious. I was already furious at her for a plethora of other reasons, the least of which involved her texting me from my dad’s phone, pretending to be him. I was furious at her for being the soul-sucking vortex of melodrama that she is. I was furious at her for being so self-centered and narcissistic that she had to make a spectacle of herself at my dead grandmother’s funeral. We were attempting to grieve the death of someone we loved and she made it about her in the most embarrassing way possible.

The fact that I was able to swallow my anger and keep my composure instead of grabbing her by the throat and choke slamming her in front of everyone (which is what I actually wanted to do) says a lot about my ability for self-control. It’s also why I’m REALLY FUCKING GOOD at repressing my emotions. And as I later told my father in the five page dissertation I wrote to him about the consequences of his inability to accept emotional responsibility for himself and his actions, “She’s lucky I didn’t do more than push her away. The last time someone put their hands on me like that, they went home with a black eye.”

My dad’s response to said letter? Three months of silence, followed by a text message denying half of it, dismissing the other half, and a staunch refusal to acknowledge my justifiable anger. Several months later in a conversation with my mother, he would deny having ever received a letter at all.

I remember, very vividly, laying in bed shortly after all of this went down and finally allowing myself to accept that my father was mentally ill. That acceptance triggered a series of realizations about various events throughout the past where I began to see that he had lied, manipulated, and used me as a means to an end. It was a shift in perspective that brought on an entirely new epiphany: the “dad” I thought I’d had all these years was a figment of my imagination. That, in and of itself, was yet another loss. A death, in it’s own way.

My realization after my acupuncture consultation was that the gravity of a single loss is hard enough. Having four losses of such magnitude within four months of each other is downright cataclysmic. My anger toward father and his wife’s behavior interrupted my grieving process.

The weight of all of the conflicting emotion was too much to handle, and I sought out a therapist. Said therapist was not a very good therapist and ended up doing more harm by attempting to push me into simply acceptance of who my father was without giving me the opportunity to process my anger, ultimately invalidating my emotions and refusing to acknowledge that he suffers from mental illness.

I get it…as a therapist, you don’t know the full story of where someone’s coming from and of course their perspective is just one perspective. But, as a therapist, you can’t really argue that a person who has out loud two-way conversations with “demons” in public places while speaking in tongues and is completely paranoid that armageddon is right around the corner isn’t somewhat touched. When David Koresh went down in flames, taking 75 other Branch Davidians with him, I’m certain that no therapist said, “Those are just his religious beliefs and you need to accept him for who he is.” Oh, and guess what? Daddy dearest has started his own church now…

I got a six month break before my next trauma hit, which was my divorce. I lived in a state of constant anxiety for six months leading up to my move, and the minute he told his family about it, I was completely cut out. Yet another devastating sense of loss that I could barely process for simply attempting to survive. I spent most of my energy my first five months in New York freaking out about how I was going to take care of myself, financially. I’d had my own business before but rebuilding it in a new state takes time and I only had enough money to last me through the end of November. Eventually I found a full time job and was able to breathe for a moment.

All of this grief, all of the loss… I haven’t had a chance to fully process any of it. My circuits had been overloaded with too much other shit until just now.  It’s been two and a half years, now, and I suppose that stagnant energy has settled into my body. Any time I experience a smaller scale loss, the cough returns.

I had a reading a couple of days later with Christian Bradley West, a new psychic friend I made on Instagram. He’s hilarious, by the way, and you should follow him if you’re on there, and me as well! Sure as shit, grief was a topic of discussion.

I don’t know, logically, how to move through this. I’m hoping that getting some of it moving within the physical body through acupuncture will trigger some releasing. What I do know is that I’m going on my third month of hacking and I’m seriously over it.

The Healing Spiral

The Healing Spiral

Last August, when I was spending most of my days laying in bed staring at the ceiling and barely able to function, I asked my friend Teresa to do a reading for me (she’s awesome, by the way, and if you’re interested in booking a session with her, you can visit her website here. I built it 🙂 ). I needed some some serious guidance and I was in no condition to go and find it for myself.

A lot of great information came out of that reading, but most relevant to this blog post was that she told me I was processing and releasing a lot of old karmic energy, not just from this life, but from many. She said I was doing a lot of it subconsciously and while I slept (which was a lot) and that’s why I was so detached and ungrounded. She also told me it was going to last for about nine months. You can imagine the look on my face.

In my early attempts at networking last October, I met up with another woman here locally who does reiki and she, too, told me that I was going to be working through a lot of things all the way through April.

It’s now April, and we’re at just around the nine month mark. Healing is not a linear process, but rather, an upward spiral of sorts. You process things cyclically and each time it comes around, you peel back another layer and get closer to your core. That’s certainly been true for me over the last several months, and I do feel like I’m starting to reach the pinnacle of it all. Finally.

The last three weeks or so I’ve really focused on doing some crystal and energy healing on myself, which isn’t really something I’ve done much of in the past – at least not on my own. I’ve enlisted my friend Tara for some really powerful long-distance energy sessions here and there, which have helped greatly, but I’d never sincerely attempted to do much for myself, until now.

As things have progressed over the last few months, I’ve become so much more self aware, and as that’s happened, I’ve become a thousand times more energetically sensitive. I pay more attention now to what triggers me and I am better at figuring out where it comes from. I pay attention to where in my body I feel certain things – anxiety, fear, etc. – whether it’s coming from my heart, my upper stomach or lower stomach. I’m also more proactive about addressing it and working through it.

A lot of that proactivity has involved energy healing sessions over the last few weeks that have had really incredible results. Only recently have I actually been able to have emotional releases during a session. Usually they don’t happen until the day after, but these last few, I’ve have two to three every time.

The first one I did was focused on inner-child healing and trauma release. I knew this one was a big one for me – it is for just about everyone, and it’s often the root cause of a lot of our fears and self misconceptions later in life.

 

I struggle a lot with feeling secure in relationships and making deep connections with other people. Some of this is related to past life traumas, and some of it comes from childhood stuff. I can’t really pinpoint anything specific, but I know it because of some common themes that have come up in my dreams over the last couple of years about feeling alone and unwanted.

One in particular, I think the timing was pretty significant. It was the night of my birthday in 2016. My dad had forgotten my birthday for the second year in a row. My grandmother, who was one of the people who would never forget my birthday, died earlier that year. That night, I had this dream:

I was in this house with a woman and her daughter. The living room was covered in clutter, and it was all stuff that belonged to her little girl, but they were things her mother bought for her.

The mother asked me to pack things for the girl, or clean them up, I can’t remember. As I was looking through it all, I thought, “This is all completely useless. There’s nothing in here that she needs. Why would you even buy her this?”

Then the mother became overwhelmed by all of the useless shit that she’d bought her daughter and decided she wanted to get rid of her.

The little girl looked at me and asked, “Why does no one want me?” And I said, “It’s not your fault,” and I began to explain to her that her mother was upset about all the things she’d bought her and taking it out on her. Then I woke up.

While I was in the middle of this inner-child healing session, I saw the same little girl. I knew she was me, even back when I had the dream. But here she was again. I saw myself hugging her.

I posted on my Facebook page last week about being the person you needed when you were younger.

That’s a behavior that I’ve actively cultivated in myself over the last couple of years. It’s too easy to tear yourself down. That’s why we do it so frequently. It’s a lot harder to give yourself the kind of compassion you needed when you were young and vulnerable.

At the end of that session, I felt happy for the first time in a long time. But I wasn’t done yet.

A few days later, I did a couple more sessions that focused mostly on my sacral chakra and I was surprised at how many past life traumas came up (just like Teresa said). I did one on Tuesday and I saw myself being stabbed in the abdomen with a sword, and also having my stomach cut open to deliver a baby. I died both times.

A lot of times, I can feel that there’s something I need to work through I just don’t know what it is, exactly, so I’ll pull some oracle cards or tarot cards to help me pinpoint it. Even if they don’t make sense immediately, I’ll typically start to understand it once I start to focus.

For Tuesday’s session I drew cards about boundaries in relationships and the need to cleanse. Boundaries, of course, are related to the sacral chakra, and I already knew I had a lot of work to do there, anyway, so it made total sense.

Last night I drew several cards about seeing my true self and feminine energy. I seem to consistently injure myself on the left side – I almost cut the end of my finger off with a kitchen knife within three days of moving here. Left hand. My hip and lower back on the left side have been giving me a lot of trouble since early 2017 and I fell down icy stairs in front of my apartment, which severely aggravated it. And yesterday on my way home, my shoe somehow slipped on dry concrete and I fell and gashed my left knee open, and stabbed the same finger on my left hand that I cut on a chain link fence.

The left side of the body is considered the feminine side. My feminine side has had the shit beaten out of it, emotionally and physically, both by myself and by others over the years. And in more recent time, as I’ve learned to be more in-tune with that energy, I’ve given a lot of it away in my relationships, which is the kind of self-sacrificing behavior that is indicative of imbalance.

So, during last night’s session, I called all of my energy back to me from all of the people I’ve given too much of myself to over my lifetime. In some instances, it was hard to do. Some of them didn’t want to let go, and it was very emotional. In a sense, it was like giving myself a cord cutting (in case you aren’t familiar with cords, they are energetic attachments created between you and another person with whom you have an emotionally intimate relationship. Particularly when these relationships end badly, they can remain and cause confusion and emotional entanglement on a subconscious level).

After all of this releasing, it feels like I’m starting to reach the top of the spiral. I see myself more clearly and I have a healthier relationship with myself, most importantly. This cycle is finally wrapping up, and perhaps one day in the very near future, a new adventure can begin.

Baby Steps

Baby Steps

Iposted this to my Facebook group already, but thought it was worth sharing (and adding to) for the blog. This is going to sound really silly to some of you, I’m sure, but I just reached a really big personal care milestone.

I’ve had a lot of hip/lower back issues since 2015 and they have been getting progressively worse, particularly since I moved. I’ve also had very limited flexibility in my right hip, probably even longer than 2015.

I first noticed it when giving myself a pedicure/clipping toenails. I could bring my left foot almost up to my chest, no problem, but I couldn’t get my right foot anywhere close.

Since January of 2016, I started making a serious effort to stretch on a fairly regular basis.

I just noticed today that I was able to almost bring my right foot up the same way I can my other leg. It only took two years.

The thing is, I’ve had to learn how to make time to take care of myself. I used to put things like this off because I had work to do, or things to clean (all of which boiled down to taking care of other people before myself). I always told myself that whatever I needed could wait. Until it couldn’t wait anymore, and I was (still am) consistently in pain, started losing my hair, and my immune system crashed and I was sick with a respiratory infection for 10 out of 18 months between 2016 and 2017, and got the stomach flu for the first time in 13 years.

I had to learn how to prioritize my own needs and stop sacrificing them for the benefit of other people. I’m still learning, but I’m getting better at it. And, as you know, that prioritization created a lot of really big life changes for me.

Additionally, I’ve been taking vitamins for hair growth since November to try and get some of my hair back, and I noticed this weekend that I have a lot of baby hairs growing in. And it is very much like baby hair – all crazy different lengths. Which is why I cut off my hair this weekend to allow it all to catch up.

 

My next big project is to allow myself to spend money on myself without feeling guilty.

Finding Your Emotional Mooring

Finding Your Emotional Mooring

There are days where you feel thoroughly tethered to reality. You’re solid. You’re secure. You’re centered. And then there are days where you feel like you’re floating away, hanging on to the last shred of sanity for dear life. As we enter into the midst of the August eclipses, many of you will find yourselves facing down some of your greatest self-sabotaging patterns in one final showdown. It’s do or die. And when you’re in the midst of that showdown, it can feel like the world is ending.

In times like these, it’s important to find our emotional mooring. That word – mooring – has come up a couple of times over the last couple of weeks. It’s a sailing term, one which I wasn’t familiar with considering I grew up in a land-locked state.

moor·ing

ˈmo͝oriNG/
noun

1. a place where a boat or ship is moored.
“the boat had been at its usual moorings immediately prior to the storm”

2. the ropes, chains, or anchors by or to which a boat, ship, or buoy is moored.
“the great ship slipped its moorings and slid out into the Atlantic”

I thought it an interesting term to hear just now, considering my propensity for feelings like a complete and total space cadet nearly all day, every day lately.

When I visited Lisbon last fall, I met some incredible people. One of those incredible people had a really deep discussion with a friend of mine and I about emotional anchors – memories that can help bring us back to our happy place even when we’re in the middle of some serious negativity. I’ve used that strategy for a while now in various ways. It’s how I used to remind myself that I wasn’t crazy when my intuition started expanding and I was having a ton of paranormal experiences. It’s what got me through much of 2015 and it’s probably the only thing that has kept me sane in 2016.

It’s easy to forget, though, sometimes, and especially early on in this time during the eclipse window, I lost my mooring. I felt like I was floating, adrift at sea.

I had to go back and find some physical evidence to remind me of where I was going, of what I was here for. When I found that emotional anchor, it helped me realize that I was once again engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors. I was buying into fear-based beliefs about myself. But it brought me back to center, it reminded me of what was real, and cut through the clutter of the fear that was in my head.

So over the next few days, if you find yourself floating out at sea, look for your anchor. Find your mooring. Bring yourself back on course.

Also, be thinking about Monday and the intentions you want to bring into the world on this day of rebirth. You want alignment. You want purpose. Write out an intention…. and be on the lookout for an email on Friday that will tell you all about what you can do with it on Monday!

Everybody Wants To Be Closer To Free

Everybody Wants To Be Closer To Free

I‘m struggling a bit to feel inspired to write this week. I’ve gone through a lot over this past year – a lot of loss, a lot of pain, and a lot of self reflection, and true to form, I feel like all of those things that I experienced have driven me to examine myself in ways that I’d been ignoring for a very long time.

It’s been a transformative experience, and it’s still ongoing. A long time ago, I did an short online workshop titled “Transcending the Ego” where I gave a visual example of how I envision the ego – as this cage of beliefs that we hold about ourselves. If those beliefs are negative or fear-based in anyway, it clouds our ability to see and express our true self.

In order to become who we truly are, we must sort through these fear-based beliefs we hold about ourselves, one by one, and discard them until we reach the bottom. Only then are we able to rebuild ourselves from the ground up in our own image, instead of the image the rest of the world thrust upon us from birth. I wrote about this in a previous blog post, the one that was published on Elephant Journal a couple of weeks ago, called “Seizing Your Personal Power Through Self-Destruction.

I think that the dream I mentioned in that post heralded the beginning my process, and now, two years later, I’m finally getting to the bottom of things. Just as my dream foretold, it was a painful process, in some ways because I made it so. But it’s also been incredibly freeing.

The scariest part about reaching the bottom is that where you go from there is entirely up to you. And when you’ve lived your life going where everyone else told you that you should go, and being who everyone else told you should want to be, that can be a daunting prospect – but it’s also exciting.

I’m excited to see where I go from here. I’m excited to start truly being my own person. This is about freedom, at it’s most basic level. Freedom to be who I choose to be, and not who I’m expected to be. That’s a theme that’s been showing up over the last two months, from my Donald Trump dream that I shared a few weeks back to many little synchronicitous messages from the Universe.

I hope to be able to share this new journey of self-discovery with you as it’s happening, so stay tuned.

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