If You’re Feeling Like Shit, Then This Is Your Wakeup Call
Do you think you ever truly get over certain issues, or do you just learn how to cope with them?
I asked because I’d been feeling a lot of old negative thought patterns creep up over the weekend, mostly feelings of unworthiness in relation to relationships and career. Both of those are things that I have really struggled with over the years and have only recently become fully aware of just how deep they go. I’ve also been doing a lot of work to release them.
I started applying for full time jobs over the weekend. I’m still trying to build up my consulting business in my free time, but I’m beginning to exhaust myself. If I’m working on both at the same time, something will eventually pan out, but I’ve noticed a lot of those negative thought patterns surfacing as I’m applying for jobs: that I’m not good enough, that people won’t recognize my talent, that I don’t really know what I’m doing. All of these thoughts are ridiculous, but I have them nevertheless.
The same thoughts occur around relationships: I’m not good enough. I do things or say things that drive people away from me. I’m not worthy enough of being loved.
These thoughts started to crop up mid-week last week and slowly gain momentum, coming to a head yesterday. And then suddenly, while I was in the shower last night, a switch flipped and they were gone. And I was back to being as determined, grounded, and centered in my self-worth as I ever have been.
I have learned so much about myself over the last year and a half. I have grown so much, particularly in the last two months.
The last six months were incredibly difficult. Those of you who were here for it only know the half of it, and I don’t know how the fuck I’ve survived, but somehow I managed… and I feel so much stronger for it. I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated anymore. I don’t feel like I’m crumbling under the weight of everyone else’s expectations anymore. I don’t feel like I need to hide pieces of myself anymore, and most importantly, I no longer need another person’s love to validate me. I’m done with being beholden to what everyone else wants me to be. I’m free. Truly free, for the first time in my life. And it feels incredible. Scary. But incredible.
I spent the entire month of July cauterizing the wounds that resulted from cutting away so much of the shit that was holding me down and squeezing the life out of me. I blocked my dad’s phone number shortly before my birthday so he can’t contact me anymore, because I’m done with one-sided relationships that do nothing but drain my energy. I have let go of people who can’t bear emotional responsibility for themselves, because I can’t bear the weight of it anymore. I have very clearly recognized that many of the people I’d surrounded myself with that I thought loved me, didn’t actually love me. I’ve cut ties with people and friends who want to shame me for my choices and dress it up as “giving me their perspective” (that I didn’t ask for). I have let go of people that I loved more than anything in the world because they couldn’t show up for me.
I now know and understand that I deserve a job where I’m not being emotionally abused or taken advantage of. I know that I’m smart and capable and worthy of being successful at what I do. I’m learning to fully accept myself and not try to people please during interviews and take a job out of desperation, which is what I’ve always done before. I have to remember that interviewing them and looking for a fit, deciding if they deserve me as much as they are doing the same with me, and that is so important. I’ve worked in too many toxic environments to go back into one. I need to know what I’m getting up front, and they should know that I’m not there to be a worker bee. I’m there to lead. No more bullshit.
I know, now, more than ever, what is important to me in a relationship and I am ready to have it. I want someone who knows me. I want someone strong enough to see the all of me, even the broken parts of me, and still look at me as though I were the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on. I want someone who can be there, and hold space for me, and protect me when I need to heal myself. I want someone who understands and accepts me just the way I am. I want someone who loves me intensely and completely, deeply and passionately, without attempting to own me. I want someone who has no expectations of me other than to be loved by me in kind. I want someone who is comfortable enough in themselves to “just be” with me.
I am through with being small. I’m through with taking care of everyone else to the detriment of myself. I’m through with allowing life to happen to me and waiting for it to throw me a fricken bone. I’m carving out my own path now and if people want to be a part of that, great. Get on board. If not, then get out of my fucking way. I need people in my life who will show up for me instead of running away, or choosing to remain oblivious to my needs.
So yeah. I’ve offloaded quite a bit of baggage and dead weight. The only person I’m responsible for anymore is me. And that feels good.
To answer my own question: I don’t know if our demons ever truly disappear. But I do know we can summon the strength to stare them in the face and tell them to shut the fuck up.
You are not a victim. You are a god damn warrior.
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