Using Self-Awareness To End The Drama Cycle
This one has been a long time in the making, just because it’s such a complex piece, and I wanted to make sure that I was thorough in conveying it in such a way that people can understand it. Luckily, as usual, a conversation online created the opportunity to finally put it together in just the way I’d been trying to!
We’ve all got that one friend. You know the one – always in the middle of drama, no matter where they are. That friend might even be you.
When someone is the epicenter of their own drama parade on a regular basis, they usually suffer from deep seeded insecurities caused by a number of things, most often some type of physical or emotional abuse, but also less traumatic incidents.
They interact in different ways, but there’s one thing that they all have in common – they are very easily triggered by even completely neutral comments and quickly become defensive and combative. They often feel like a victim (due to previous life trauma) and as such, are unable to see or understand the role that they are playing in creating the situations they find themselves in.
This type of person may feel like they are being attacked constantly, and you may feel as though you have to walk on eggshells around their insecurities.
It’s not just them. It’s also you.
You don’t have to be the drama queen to be the cause of any drama you may find yourself in. To some degree, we all contribute to our own drama.
We are responsible for our own emotions. Other people cannot make us feel anything that we don’t already feel deep inside. Their words and their actions are merely trigger points that set us off. Like poking a bruise you forgot was there.
Nearly every skirmish we have, big or small, due to a miscommunication can most likely be attributed to a lack of self-awareness. We live our entire lives being reactive, at the mercy of our emotions and quite literally make our own lives difficult in the process.
You’ve probably heard the idea that we are all just mirrors for each other. This projection of our internal beliefs onto others is that concept in action. As Anais Nin said, “We don’t see things the way they are. We see them the way we are.” And the other thing is, of course, that those people we perceive as being an “other” are really a part of our self.
What creates this behavior?
Fear. Fear is the root of all negative emotions, but it isn’t real. It doesn’t exist anywhere except within our minds.
Fear is the perception that there is a lack of love. But everything around us is love, and our natural state is one of love, so fear must be an illusion.
Much of that fear is cultural conditioning created by religion and patriarchal society and personal fears about the self that we create based on interactions with our environment as we grow up. Much of that influences us on a personal level and leads to self-love issues. They are the fears that are at the root of almost (if not all) negative emotional reactions.
Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not belonging. Feelings of unworthiness.
No one is inherently unworthy. It’s a belief we have about ourselves.
Feelings of shame. A fear created by a belief we have about ourselves, through our experiences in our developmental stages with the external world.
Often times we are not consciously aware of those beliefs, they are extremely subconscious and become incorporated into our sense of identity, but they end up serving as the foundation of how we see the world around us, and so we create more and more beliefs on top of them – more “conscious” beliefs, like our notions of morality.
In terms of layers, it’s often lack of self love at the foundation, the next layer would be feelings of shame and unworthiness – often those feelings are so painful that we do what we can to avoid them, which results in attempts to control the environment around us from triggering those emotions.
Many times we’ve been avoiding those feelings for so long, we don’t even remember that we have them or where they came from, and when we aren’t able to control the environment around us, and those feelings are triggered, we get angry. Instead of directing our attention inward and understanding where that anger is coming from, we project it out at the people who triggered us, falsely attributing the source of our anger to them, rather than ourselves.
In extreme cases, the person who served as the trigger had absolutely zero negative intentions what-so-ever but the emotions being triggered are so deeply ingrained and subconscious that the person in question will believe that there was, because they can’t see the situation neutrally.
This happens to everyone all the time in varying degrees, and many times both parties involved are actually triggering each other in multiple ways, which causes situations to escalate to the point of conflict. But, being largely unaware of where these emotions are stemming from, people will continue to blame something outside of themselves.
In more subtle situations, we might chalk this up to “miscommunication,” but that’s really only a surface level explanation because it doesn’t account for or do anything to address the resulting emotions.
When one is able to become self aware enough of these fears and understand that that’s all they are – that they aren’t truth – and release them, they are no longer triggered by those outside stimuli and have not only mastered control of their emotions, but healed themselves in the process, raised their vibration, and brought themselves into closer alignment with their true self, which is pure and unconditional love – both for the self and the “other.” And, obviously, there are far greater implications for the world at large when entire groups of people are able to do this.
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.” – Gandhi
Simply becoming aware of these fears and reactions allows us to step outside of the emotion and look at the situation logically. Rather than attacking the other person for not seeing things the way we do, we can at least neutrally see and understand where they are coming from and why they don’t feel the same way. And we don’t have to judge them as being bad or wrong. It’s just different
People often talk about being a free thinker, ‘unlearning’ belief systems and what not, but they are often only touching the surface level belief systems and not the subconscious belief systems, and the subconscious belief systems are where the true creation occurs (the sponsoring thought, as it’s termed in Conversations with God).
This process is what allows us to truly become a free thinker (when your thoughts are no longer ruled by your emotions, which are generated by those subconscious beliefs) – and a creator, rather than just reacting.
If you find yourself becoming upset over a topic, comment, or person, that is your GIANT WAVING RED FLAG that is letting you know that this is triggering something inside you that needs to be looked at.
For a more in-depth look at this along with some visuals, check out the class I did back in January on Transpersonal Psychology: Transcending the Ego.
My first reaction to the reading was WOW. Your words captured a theme woven into my life right now. The reading has emboldened me to take back my power and inspired me to research some books, get back to meditating and provided a focus.Dina