Some Seriously Raw Emotion
I’ve come a really fucking long way since then, and I’ve continuously become more open and honest about what’s going on with me, internally. It’s kind of funny, you know – I used to be this open about my thoughts and feelings with total strangers on the internet, waaaay back in the day, in college, when blogs first became a thing, and they were more so just online journals.
I remember writing in my Xanga and having random strangers and friends of friends who started reading about the daily happenings in my life. It made a lot of people who were physically in my life really uncomfortable. I remember the guys who lived across the street from me senior year referring to me as “the girl with the blog.”
“You have a blog. That’s so weird.”
I remember letting another acquaintance read it and he said, “You’re like, really personal on here. That’s weird.”
I’m not really sure how or when I stopped being so open with my writing, but eventually it happened, and it was hard to open myself back up again in that way. But here I am. Trying to be open, vulnerable, and authentically myself with 1,500+ of my closest internet friends. lol
Never in my life did I imagine that this many people would care about what I have to say about anything…but here you are, taking this journey with me. Who knew?
And in the spirit of being open, authentic, and vulnerable, I’m going to share with you what’s been going on with me this week. I already talked about my attempts at gaining clarity around myself and what I should be doing right now, and with the rest of my life. And I discussed a lot of my fears and negative self-beliefs around relationships and my career. Both of those things were triggered in a big way earlier this week.
I’ve applied for 12 jobs so far. I haven’t been called for a single interview and I’ve already been rejected by
four – scratch that, six now – of them. Every time I look at Indeed it feels like a black hole opens up in my chest and starts swallowing my soul. I just find it to be so depressing. Also, I struggle constantly with feeling not good enough or qualified enough for positions that I’m applying for, which is ridiculous – I have 11 years of experience doing anything and everything related to marketing and advertising, I’m ridiculously smart and talented – I designed and built this website myself. I taught myself basic HTML. I taught myself Adobe Creative Suite. I taught myself how to use WordPress. I taught myself Google PPC advertising. I taught myself Facebook and Pinterest ads. I taught myself branding. Everything that I do and am good at comes naturally to me and there’s no business problem too big for me to tackle and solve, not to mention I have an exceptionally high emotional intelligence (obviously…) and work really well with people because I understand what makes them tick.
But how do you get people to understand that about you when all they’re looking at is a piece of paper with your job history on it that has every ounce of personality stripped out of it?
Anyone who’s ever worked with me for a prolonged period of time tells me that I’m brilliant. And I see it and feel it sometimes, but other times I feel totally inadequate, and that’s a feeling that has been with me throughout my career mostly due to a history of emotional abuse, along with desperation to get out of those emotionally abusive situations and take whatever little amount of salary was offered to me, hence the fears of poverty – and I HAVE been poor.
My first job out of college promised me $35,000 a year, which is what I needed to break even living in St. Louis, and I only ended up being paid $20,000. I was living on a $35/week food budget in an 80-year-old farm house that the VP of the company’s brother was “fixing up.” I had to clean a yellow film off of everything in the house before I moved in – I vividly remember mopping the outside of the refrigerator. I’m pretty sure someone had been using it as a meth lab before. I slept on a mattress and box spring on the floor with a 19inch TV with rabbit ears for entertainment. No internet, no cable. The last two weeks I lived there, in the dead of winter when I got dark at 4:30pm, my landlord unwired all of the ceiling lights and I only owned one lamp, so I had to put it on an extension cord and carry it with me from room to room – even the bathroom to shower.
I’ve told myself that if I can survive that, I can survive anything, but I’d be lying if I said that ending up back in that situation isn’t a huge fear for me right now. It set off a chain of events that left me in pure survival mode, desperately attempting to climb out of one hell hole of a job after another, forcing myself to endure toxic people and emotional abuse at jobs because I just needed the money, which in turn, completely leveled my professional self-worth. I very distinctly remember two times, one was a job interview and the other was just a coffee meeting, where I nearly had an emotional break down because I was so desperate to get out of the toxic environment where I was (and I wasn’t the only one. One of those jobs, my boss was popping Xanex on the daily just to cope). And by the end of it all, I’m left with unresolved feelings of desperation and inadequacy around work and the ability to take care of myself. And at this moment I feel both inadequate and desperate. Although it comes and goes.
Additionally, I’ve been here for three months now, and I decided to dip my toe in the dating waters. I haven’t dated in over seven years, but I distinctly recall feeling a sense of relief when I got married and didn’t have to anymore. Now I’m remembering why I felt relieved. I met a guy that I really liked. We had four dates in two weeks. He was spiritual, and was raised that way, which completely fascinated me since most people I know (myself included) come here to this path after being raised in some sort of religious dogma. We really connected and enjoyed each other’s company – he was on vacation when we first met and he wanted to hang out with me as much as possible before he had to go back to work, so we did. Three days in a row, even. And then a week and a half later, he completely disappeared.
I felt it coming on. He just felt off one day, although he was acting fine. And then slowly, over the course of a week, he was less and less responsive, until he stopped responding altogether. I sent him a final text message and very kindly and compassionately asked him to just tell me what he needed – space? I can do that. Just not that into me? I can do that, too. I Just needed to know. I told him if the latter was the case, I’d be disappointed, but I’d be ok and I’d wish him well.
I don’t know what happened or what changed. I guess that’s part of the problem – when someone leaves your life suddenly and without explanation (which seems to be a theme for me), it leaves this gaping black hole for you to project all of your insecurities and feelings of unworthiness into.
I’m lonely, most days. I have no one here that I feel deeply connected to. I don’t have many people that fit that category in general, anywhere. I guess that leaves me ample time to find myself, and I definitely have. I’m such a different person now than I was not that long ago. I still fight off echoes of it, but I’m getting better at it, I hope.
It’s been difficult to find people who are truly interested in putting in the time to really get to know me. Maybe I make it hard because I can be so introverted sometimes. And incidents like what I just talked about where people up and disappear every time I show an ounce of vulnerability don’t help. Maybe I’m rushing things and not allowing myself the time I need to really heal. I just miss having at least one person nearby who truly sees me, knows me, loves me unconditionally, and is there for me no matter what.
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