Love Without Limits
I’ve needed this time for myself, and I may still need a bit more, but something important struck me last night and I knew I needed to talk about it. I’ve known it was something that I should address at some point, but there was just so much going on in my life and the timing didn’t seem right just yet. Hell, I could barely form a coherent thought for two to three months after moving here, much less write a cohesive sentence. How I managed to push through that and keep writing for as long as I did, I’ll never know.
I’m still not sure that I’m really ready to write again. I tried to write a post a few weeks ago and I ended up giving up because I was so unhappy with what was coming out.
You see, I’ve changed so much over the last three years. In a lot of ways, I don’t recognize myself anymore (which is a good thing. I wasn’t in a good place where I began), and to that end, I also don’t recognize my voice anymore, in terms of writing. I go back and read things I wrote on here years ago and I can see how much it came from head and not necessarily my heart. I wasn’t in touch with myself, even, so naturally that’s the way it would come out – detached from emotion and real feeling.
Now that I’m allowing myself to explore a more emotional, feminine part of myself, it makes sense that my voice is something that’s going to evolve along with me…but I feel like we’re in that awkward tween stage where I’m hating what I see in the mirror. Or maybe I just smoked too much pot (I’ve also been doing a lot of that lately and it’s been a great tool for self discovery, but that’s another post for another day).
But back to that important thing that I needed to talk about. This won’t surprise some of you, as you may have guessed it from things I’ve written over the last three or four years, but I’ve never said it outright. It’s something I had to settle into internally, and then slowly, my life shifted to match (as within, so without… you know the drill). The thing is, I’ve known for a while now that I identify as polyamorous.
I’ve touched on polyamory in some of my writings around relationships in the past, which you can read here:
Polyamory, I’ve discovered, means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For me, it’s not only a personal philosophy that has grown out of my own spiritual development, but it’s also, I feel, an intrinsic part of my own emotional orientation. I truly believe that the human heart has an unlimited capacity to love in all ways, and unconditionally so. I came to realize, through some serendipitous life experiences, that I possessed that ability, and the more people I felt love for, the more happy and fulfilled I felt.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in a society that is evolved enough to recognize this as a perfectly natural thing. Since moving here, I’ve made it a priority to live as authentically as I possibly can, and part of that is being open about this aspect of myself. Being open about it has led to some interesting conversations and some really obnoxious conversations.
Shortly after moving here, I went out to dinner with a guy I’d met at a happy hour the week prior. I’d made it abundantly clear to him that I was only interested in being friends with him. As the dinner conversation progressed, I mentioned being on a dating app called Bumble and how I’d met a guy about three weeks prior that I really liked and had gone out with a few times.
Him: “If you’ve gone out three times, then you guys must be pretty serious about each other… why are you here?”
Me: “Ummmm, because I’m trying to make friends?”
Him: “So this isn’t a date?”
Me: “No… ?”
Him: “So you’re going to pay for your dinner, then?”
Me: “Um… yeah?”
Him: “Well good, because I have a date later tonight at 9.” (Immediately pulls out his phone and begins texting.)
Me: “Well, that’s great… good for you.” (?)
Then I clarified for him that even if we were on a date (which it wasn’t and never would be), it wouldn’t be a big deal to me because I was poly. That really got his panties in a twist. He immediately became rude the moment I clarified that it wasn’t a date, but it went even further after I told him I was poly. He started asking me if I liked women, if I’d ever had a threesome, etc. etc., none of which was relevant to how I viewed myself or what polyamory means to me. And that’s been a fairly common reaction. People immediately want to shit all over you because their fragile ego can’t handle the concept.
Being the kind, patient, and probably way-too-nice person that I am, I took the time to explain my personal philosophy around what being poly means to me. About ten minutes into the discussion, the male counterpart of the couple sitting at the table immediately next to us butted in:
“I’m not trying to eavesdrop on your conversation, but I’m eavesdropping on your conversation, and I just have to say that I totally agree with everything you’re saying.”
Needless to say, the rest of the evening was a bit of a wash as my dinner companion continued the downward spiral into a tornado of douchetacular behavior. I actually cried at one point, and I quickly realized that I, sadly, should probably stop giving so many people the benefit of the doubt so that I can avoid getting myself into situations like this so frequently. At this point, I’m kind of used to it. On the bright side, having your psychotic father try to exorcise your demon in a public parking lot has to be the worst possible scenario, so there’s nowhere to go from here but up, am I right?
But that’s also part of my spiritual makeup. I have a strong need and desire to connect with people on a deeply personal, intimate level and that involves seeing past their triggers and their pain and looking for the person underneath that represents all of their untapped potential. I’d almost say that I crave it, and it’s something that I’ve also only recently realized about myself. One of my big goals after moving here was to cultivate deep connection in all of my relationships, friendships included. I want to be with people who understand me and accept me, and give me the freedom to be my authentic self, whoever that is. I think I’m slowly finding those people. I hope a lot of you reading this can be those people, too.
I’ve said many times since telling you all what was going on in my personal life that I knew that this was about purpose. I knew that I needed to be here, now, and that it was for a reason beyond just my own personal growth and development. It’s one of those things that you feel in your bones (and occasionally hear in your head, if you’re clairaudient like me).
I had a tune up reading with my friend and empathic astrologer Susan Grace at the beginning of February where we discussed how, for me, that’s related to long-term committed relationships. I sort of had an “a ha” moment when that came up, because obviously (if you watched the video I posted above of Susan and I chatting about love and purpose in the new paradigm from last June) I’ve been talking about relationships for a while now, how they’re evolving, what that’s going to look like, and how there are people who have come into the world at this time (and at many times throughout recent history) to be the harbingers of change for their respective cultural archetypes.
Am I one of those people? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m still feeling this out. I’m still figuring me out. I know that it makes sense to me, but I don’t know what it looks like yet. Things feel clearer than they have in a long time, though, and I’m grateful to finally feel like I can stop treading water and at least paddle in a general direction.