I know, you guys are supportive and understanding. A lot of my friends on Facebook are supportive and understanding. But the people that I’ve spent the most time with over the last six years – they don’t understand. And that’s where it feels like i’m flailing.
To them, it looks like this is a symptom of feeling lost and confused and trying to find myself, but ultimately a path that I’m going to regret or one that will just lead me right back to where I am. They don’t understand that this is actually a result of finding myself. They don’t understand that the “me” they know isn’t the whole of me, that it never has been, and that I’m now trying to honor the whole of me.
Maybe I could still do that staying here. Some days I ask myself if I really could. But then I’d be ignoring that odd, yet solid feeling inside me that New York is where I need to be right now – however, the explanation of, “New York is just where I need to be for the next phase of the evolution of human consciousness,” doesn’t really fly with muggles. That’s the part of me that they would never really be able to understand, and in some ways, I suppose it’s another reason why I have to go.
You’re vibe attracts your tribe, so they say, and mine is in transition.
I knew it was going to be this way, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel completely and totally alienated. And I’m still scared shitless.
On the up side, I signed a lease on an apartment and I move in just a couple of weeks. I only had two anxiety attacks while I was there. What once seemed like it was going to take forever now feels like it’s moving at the speed of light. Part of me is ready. Part of me isn’t. I don’t know if it ever truly will be, but forward movement must happen, nevertheless.
Unrelated side note: I know I’ve got a couple of question submissions that I promised I’d try to get to later this week. I’m about to start packing and things are going to be crazy, so forgive me if I’m a bit late. I’m just trying to preserve my sanity right now. Thanks for hanging with me.