Life Update

Some days you just feel fucked. Fucked up in the head, like you’re the biggest asshole on the planet, and totally alone. I’m not going to lie, most days, lately, I feel like I’ve been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat, yet somehow manage to stay standing. If I didn’t say it in my last blog post, this is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done in my life, and it feels like I’m totally alone.

I know, you guys are supportive and understanding. A lot of my friends on Facebook are supportive and understanding. But the people that I’ve spent the most time with over the last six years – they don’t understand. And that’s where it feels like i’m flailing.

To them, it looks like this is a symptom of feeling lost and confused and trying to find myself, but ultimately a path that I’m going to regret or one that will just lead me right back to where I am. They don’t understand that this is actually a result of finding myself. They don’t understand that the “me” they know isn’t the whole of me, that it never has been, and that I’m now trying to honor the whole of me.

Maybe I could still do that staying here. Some days I ask myself if I really could. But then I’d be ignoring that odd, yet solid feeling inside me that New York is where I need to be right now – however, the explanation of, “New York is just where I need to be for the next phase of the evolution of human consciousness,” doesn’t really fly with muggles. That’s the part of me that they would never really be able to understand, and in some ways, I suppose it’s another reason why I have to go.

You’re vibe attracts your tribe, so they say, and mine is in transition.

I knew it was going to be this way, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel completely and totally alienated. And I’m still scared shitless.

On the up side, I signed a lease on an apartment and I move in just a couple of weeks. I only had two anxiety attacks while I was there. What once seemed like it was going to take forever now feels like it’s moving at the speed of light. Part of me is ready. Part of me isn’t. I don’t know if it ever truly will be, but forward movement must happen, nevertheless.

Unrelated side note: I know I’ve got a couple of question submissions that I promised I’d try to get to later this week. I’m about to start packing and things are going to be crazy, so forgive me if I’m a bit late. I’m just trying to preserve my sanity right now. Thanks for hanging with me.




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  1. Hi Ash! I meant to respond to your blog comment last week. Again, this post resonates with me so much. This has been a momentous week, I had to make the choice to separate from my husband among other things. I’m scared shitless too. I’ve been going through so many changes and have had to let go of so many people and what I thought my life was going to look like. Just feels like I’m really down to brass tacks in every way. Hopefully that’s not oversharing but I wanted you to know you’re not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for being so honest and raw….

    • Not at all. I think a lot of people are going through this right now. It’s almost like…. like the chess pieces are being moved around on the board in preparation. Lots of people separating, lots of people making moves… and it’s all maneuvering for purpose.

      Hugs to you, too – we’ll all get through this together.

      • That chess board feels like it’s in the eye of a hurricane right about now hahaha. Joking aside, I agree– I think once we get through the storm we will land on our feet with an even greater sense of purpose.

  2. Hugs to you, friend. I wholly understand; the urge, the fear, and the management of others’ desires, dreams, and expectations of you. It seems like you know it already, but I’ll say it here in case it helps to have others say it too: They are working with incomplete knowledge and their own self-directed motivations. In the end, the best ones love you and want what’s best for you; those people will be happy once their fears are alleviated…and the others will be gone and you’ll have more space for the supportive ones. Sending you good vibes. Congrats on the lease! So exciting!

    • Thank you, love. I hope you’ll come see me soon! I would love to catch up with you. It’s been too long.

  3. Hi Ash,

    I am surprised at how much I can relate. Being surrounded by people but not understood especially by the ones you think should matter. Feeling abandoned and alone. Feeling as if you have to fight all the battles on and on and on and not really winning anything.
    The ego fights. Fights for it’s survival, because you are letting it go. All that was. All the rules, your past, your upbringing, your friends and family and everything you don’t need for your climb up the mountain. To find ALL of you. To reunite.
    And as far as I understand… even though you know deep down your doing this for the whole you, the completion of you, it is a struggle if you try to expect that it makes sence in the muggle-sence 😉

    Please go on and keep up your sharing. This is so important!


    • It’s hard. But somehow we just keep going. One foot in front of the other… eventually we’ll come out on the other side.

  4. “New York is just where I need to be for the next phase of the evolution of human consciousness,”

    Well there you have it. Nothing is bigger. You go, girl!

    • Nope. Nothing is bigger than purpose.

  5. Hi Ash

    You’re going to be so fine. You can’t ignore your soul no matter how hard you try. Your mind is gonna pull out all kinds of tricks to confuse you but stay with your soul. That’s your only path

    Much love

    Karen xxx

    • Thank you 🙂

  6. I find the reaction of others towards an individual’s life change interesting. If the change has a positive or little affect in their lives, they have a ‘good for you’ attitude towards that individual. If the change affects them negatively, they are against it and believe the individual is making a bad decision. The truth is, these people are just uncomfortable with the adjustments they have to make within themselves. They can’t control it so they try to control the individual to avoid the discomfort. For your sake, I hope they come terms sooner rather than later.

    • Yeah. I think that’s true of just about everyone and everything. And I get it – my decisions affect other people and there is a certain degree of responsibility that goes into that. And I beat myself up every day because of it… but that’s codependency. At some point I have to stop and just take care of me. And that point is now.

  7. Amazing! Know my heart is with you. Just found this and am humbled by the connection for me. I had just made the decision to discuss living in 2 homes, with my wife. . Long story, suffice to say…we are just at different/same place in our own reclaiming of soul and purpose. In light of this it was clarified for me today (through oracle cards and the synchronicity of your blog post) you articulated my inner “knowing”. I’m choosing to beleive that this will all work out well and for the highest good for all, while remaining open to that Spirit may have a better plan. . May you feel the connection to all beings suffering with you.

    • It’s going around 🙂 Welcome to the club. I’m glad I’ve gotten such a positive response to this already, it makes me feel like I’m not totally alone.

  8. You are brave, Ash! It sounds exciting, and scary of course. How great that you found an apartment. Hope you love your new space, your foothold in the great city of New York.

    • Thank you 🙂

  9. One thing at a time Ash. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually it’s all going to be a lot less scary. <3

    • Thanks lady.

  10. I have never thought of it that way but yes, guess my own becoming has started many years ago when that shift for me. Sending love!
    I’m in New York. Would love to connect over sound healing when you are here.

    • Don’t let me forget you’re there! My brain is going to be scrambled eggs for a while, but I definitely want to start making new connections with people.


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