Finding Purpose in the New Paradigm
I vividly recall a day last summer, laying in my bed in so much emotional pain that the thought, “I’d feel so much better if I could just die,” actually went through my head.
I simply chose not to share those feelings with all of you. I journal them privately where no one sees them but me. And I’m still here. And I’m fine.
What I’m going through right now is a process. A very long, lengthy one. No amount of burying my head in the sand and pretending these feelings don’t exist is going to change my circumstances (and no amount of watching Abraham Hicks videos is going to speed up that process). I have to allow myself the time to reflect, and feel, and process. They’ll come and they’ll go. That’s the way it is.
Earlier in the year, I talked a bit about how, when you have a platform like this, people tend to have expectations of you and they forget that you’re a real person, too.
I’ve seen people have very unrealistic expectations of us “lightworkers.” I’ve had people project their own unrealistic expectations upon me, personally. I think, when people look at people like me and my friend and see us teaching these things, they tend to forget that we are people, too. They forget that we have our own path of growth, our own boundaries and our own weaknesses.
We, as spiritual teachers, face a kind of mounting pressure to be perfectly “spiritual” in every way – to lead perfect lives, to always be happy, and especially to sacrifice ourselves for others. – Healers Need Boundaries Too
This is a part of me that most of you have never been privy to, because I’ve never allowed you to be. I don’t need to be fixed. I just need people to hold space for me while I go through this and fix myself. That’s all.
If you’ve been following along since June, you’re already aware that the reason I’m here and the reason I’m going through all of this is purpose. I felt a deep, clear call to purpose that has pulled me to where I am right now. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know what it looked like. I just knew that I had to be here, of all places, and now, of all times. I’m still waiting for that purpose to reveal itself to me, and obviously, by my post last week, you realize this isn’t an easy thing for me to do.
I know that I’m not the only one who is seeking purpose, either. I’ve drawn more and more people to me lately who are doing just that. The last two readings I’ve done have been questions around life purpose. I always find those readings interesting because the information that comes out is just as relevant to me as it is for my clients. In the case of yesterday’s reading, everything that came out was exactly what I needed to hear as well.
I’ve been struggling to figure out how to find my purpose, and how to sustain myself while I go about doing that. I keep trying to make something happen by doing what has always worked for me in the past… but this isn’t the past. This is New Paradigm, and I’m not the person I was back then, and neither are you.
The thing about purpose is, you have to meet it half way. And you don’t meet it half way, necessarily, by just going out and trying to create it. Life is about evolving and being. You have to BE the person you need to be when you’re meant to embody that purpose.
To quote from the reading I did yesterday:
“Just as you’re trying to find purpose, your purpose is trying to find you. But there’s a divine timing to all things. In order for us to embody purpose, we have to be ready. That means we have to keep doing the work on ourselves to clear out anything that’s no longer serving us. We’re just vessels, after all, and in order to be a pure vessel, we have to put all of our own fears and ego aside and allow the universe to use us as was intended.”
I recognize that I’m still involved in that clearing out process. I’m on the tail end of it, I hope.
“A lot of finding our life purpose involves finding ourselves and honoring who we truly are and were always meant to be. That means letting the old version of ourselves fall away. So don’t worry about finding your purpose. Find yourself, and your purpose will find you.”
Even as I wrote those words, I knew they were also for me. Stop falling back on what you know, you’re not that person anymore. I’d been pulling cards for myself all week that were essentially saying the same thing: leave the old you behind. Leave your old career behind. Let it all go. This is something new. Something you haven’t seen before. Something unexpected. You don’t know what this looks like. Sit back, relax, and let it unfold: trust the universe.
Sitting back and doing nothing when you know you’re living on limited resources is really fucking hard. So I’ve been asking myself this whole week, “What do I do in the meantime?” I feel like I need to be working toward something. Doing something. And then, yesterday, came my answer. Work on yourself.
All the job applications and resumes are a distraction from working on myself. I’m spending hours a day putting energy into something that isn’t even a permanent solution to what I’m trying to achieve. I feel that whatever is coming for me isn’t going to be achieved this way. It’s going to be an opportunity that I never expected that presents itself in a fortuitous way. I’m not going to have to look for it. I’m not going to have to fight for it. By comparison to a typical job hunt, it’s going to be handed to me on a silver platter. I just have to be ready for that.
That takes a lot of trust, particularly in my situation, but then again, it takes a lot of trust to listen to a voice in your head when it tells you that you’re going to be packing up your shit and moving 1,000 miles away to a city where you know no one. So there it is. This will either happen as I’ve described, or I’ll end up penniless living in my mom’s guest room come next February. Here’s to hoping for the former.
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