Dealing With Insecurity and Making Honest Self Assessments

When most people think of the subconscious, they associate it with deeply rooted desires. Wants. Needs. They often overlook the fact that the subconscious doesn’t just show them what they need, it shows them what’s holding them back. Fears.

For many, there’s a disconnect when it comes to reconciling those wants, needs, and fears with their current state of being. They think it’s as simple as making the statement that you’re not going to be afraid. That you’re going to get what you want or what you need.

This is what gets people stuck in ruts – understanding where they want to go and where they need to be, but unable to determine how to get there. Where do they start?

I don’t believe in “Fake it ‘til you make it.”

Telling yourself that you’re a butterfly when you believe you’re a worm does nothing but delude you into thinking you should be able to fly, and yet you can’t. You’re still stuck on the ground, in the mud. Drowning.

The subconscious mind serves up a multitude of distress signals in it’s attempt to alert you to the fact that something is very wrong. Fear, drama, anger, depression and a multitude of other negative emotions act as red flashing emergency lights, and yet many of us blame outside circumstances for causing those emotions rather than looking inward to find their source.

Dreams are another outlet that the subconscious mind uses to clue us into what’s really going on with our emotional state, nightmares in particular. When will the nightmares end? Only when you deal with what it is they are showing you instead of continuing to bury them in your subconscious.

That’s why “Fake it ‘til you make it” just won’t cut it – it does nothing to address the root cause.

You’ll never be happy if you are defining yourself by your relationships. And yet, that IS how you define yourself – you define who you are in relation to other people. But not based on how they react to you or what they give you, but rather how you react to them and how you view yourself in relation to them.

With every interaction you have with another person, ask yourself, “What is this showing me about how I FEEL about myself?”

Because right now, many people look at it and say, “What does this show me ABOUT myself,” in which case, that would be acknowledging that the other person’s point of view is somehow “correct” and that what they perceive in you is an accurate depiction of who you actually are.

But how someone else sees you in not always accurate. Especially in the case of a single interaction with an individual, in many cases what they perceive in you is really just a projection of their feelings about themselves. And vice versa – how you perceive them is colored by your own insecurities. The reason people project those things out onto others is because they don’t want to take responsibility for it themselves.

There are other people like me – who go the opposite direction and instead of projecting outward, completely internalize all the other shit that people are dishing out to us… because we are validating ourselves based on what they think about us. Because… deep down, we think we aren’t enough and need to fill that void with what other people think. It’s a balance, really… of learning to take and own what belongs to you, and to let go of anything that doesn’t. But it gets a lot easier not to take the things that don’t belong to you when you can clearly see that it’s just a projection of that person’s own insecurity or fear.

In order to do that, you have to clearly know what IS yours.

If multiple people are perceiving you the same way and it isn’t just one person, then you need to make an honest assessment of yourself because you are the common denominator. Are you not communicating effectively? Are you ignoring some part of yourself that is being expressed and noticed by these people? Or is there some sort of misunderstanding?

Being honest with ourselves about ourselves is extremely difficult. 

Instead of focusing on what other people are saying to you or doing in relation to you… focus on how you feel about what they are saying and doing. And instead of saying, “They made me feel that way, but I’m just going to ignore it.” Say, “Why do I feel this way?” Allow yourself to feel it instead of shoving it aside, you feel it for a reason. It’s a red flag alerting you to the fact that there is something unresolved – just like the subconscious throwing up symbolism through your nightmares. But you can’t ATTACH to that feeling.

Your emotions do not define you any more than someone else’s emotions about you. It’s the belief you hold behind the emotion that is what is defining you, so you have to get to the belief and that’s where you change it. That’s where you look at it and you ask yourself, “Is this me?” And if it isn’t, then you let it go. And that doesn’t happen overnight. It’s more like one step forward, two steps back, 3 steps forward, one step back… until you finally get far enough ahead of it that you stop looking back.



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  1. Excellent Article Ash!

  2. So true! Looking at yourself is a great way to make your time here the best it can be!


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